If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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