u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
the condom got lost in my hair
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize