There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Randomize