If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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