Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
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5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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