I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
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