she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
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I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
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You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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