your parents love me but you hate me
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
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