You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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