hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
COCAINE IS GR8
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