dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
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buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
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When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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