i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
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i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
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I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
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