I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
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They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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