i wish my penis had a tongue
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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