I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
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We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize