tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
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I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
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Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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