I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
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You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
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NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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