i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
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I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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