Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
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I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
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For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
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