just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
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His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
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Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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