Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
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i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
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Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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