So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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