Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
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