it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
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