I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
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Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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