Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
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the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
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