I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
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Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
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