I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
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He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
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they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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