On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
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I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
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Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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