Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
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