god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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