I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize