Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
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