I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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