I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
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Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
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I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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