why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
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we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
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i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
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