I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
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He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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