who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize