I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize