you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
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he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
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The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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