he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
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That bitch ruined vodka saturday
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
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I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
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