allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
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He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
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I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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