my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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