My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
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i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
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The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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