I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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