I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
He better not be in your backpack
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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