he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
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I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
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