His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
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YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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