Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
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Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
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I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
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