when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
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Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
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This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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